Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
be right there i have to get my cape
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
