Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
