EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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