4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
