Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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