I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
