hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
