this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
