Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
