i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
