Ambien. No doubt about it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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