hotel room ftw
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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