I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
