I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
