you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
