I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
