So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
