You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
