I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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