can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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