I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
