im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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