I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
