You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
