when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
