I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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