Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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