Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
