Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Let the clothes fall where they may.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
