The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
