so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
