And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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