i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
