Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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