I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
