Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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