When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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