Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
