I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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