is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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