It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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