Someone shit on the floor
I just cut my nipple shaving
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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