her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
