I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
