my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
