I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
