but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
