my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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