i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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