i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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