can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
