I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
