After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
