I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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