I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
they need to just BURY HIM!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
