I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize