My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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