U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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