I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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