the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
