We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
