Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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